Last night may or may not have been one of the most horrifying nights of my life. If there had been video cameras around, I'm sure I could have sold the footage to Hollywood and made millions of dollars off of my misfortune; unfortunately, life doesn't work that way for me, and all I have left to recount my chilling tale is this blog. So here it is, the uncut, unrated version. Read at your own risk; not recommended for anyone with a weak stomach or an acute case of arachnaphobia.
SM Survives the Spider Apocalypse
It was late, or perhaps it was very early. It was the twilight between the two; that is to say, if I had just awoken at this hour, I could have called it "early", but since it was a matter of I had not yet been to sleep, it is safe to call it "late."
I was lying awake in the least noble manner. I was not gazing at the stars, contemplating eternity or life merit, I was not pouring over my novel that I have severely neglected, and I was not even reading or doing some other scholarly activity. I was talking on the phone. To a Boy, no less.
So there I was, chatting, rambling on about something insignificant, waiting for Boy to respond, when all of a sudden... THE MONSTER APPEARED.
It was like no other spider I had ever seen. It was at least the size of my face. Okay, maybe that's a tiny exaggeration, but with all kidding aside, it had to have been the size of my palm. It had a huge engorged middle and I could see its eyes from where I was sitting all the way over on the couch. A normal person might have said "Hold on one second for me, will you, Boy? There is an arachnid in my presence."
Instead, I so elegantly shrieked: "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! #$%$ WHAT THE #%@% HUGE #$@^%$ SPIDER!!!!! @##%$% WHAT THE $%^%# AM I GOING TO DO?! WHAT DO I DO?!!? ^&*%*#$* #^#$%#@% $%^&!!!!!"
"Are you okay?" Boy asked in concern. "What just happened?"
I held the telephone loosely at my ear, staring intently at the monstrosity before me. I was frozen. The very first law of Everything Scary That Ever Existed is that if you remain perfectly still, whatever is hunting you cannot see you. I was so still that I'm not even sure my heart was still beating. I stared the monster down, every muscle in my body perfectly frozen. I was not about to be a victim.
Suddenly, Baby Cat came shooting across the floor. The acromantula braced itself, but Baby Cat collided with it spectacularly, seizing it with his paws and flinging it up into the air. I shrieked again, possibly permanently deafening Boy. "GET IT! KILL IT!" I bellowed, running forward to see if Baby Cat had successfully killed the beast for me, his loving master. I was already envisioning a grand feast of Tuna Fish and Pounce Kitty Treats for Baby Cat, the Slayer of Tarantulas.
Baby Cat was still squirming around with the beast under his paws. When I approached him, he cocked his head sideways at me, looked at me with those big yellow eyes that bear absolutely no signs of intelligence whatsoever, then flung the spider at me gleefully.
"^%&*$$ %$*$ $%%*$^&* #$&**^&*!!!!!!!!!" I let out a consistent stream of profanity as I fell to the floor, desperately clawing my way away from the spider. "What's going on?" Boy cried in concern. "Are you alright? What's happening to you!?"
Baby Cat had pounced on the spider again, and I had to take a double take as it appeared that the entire middle had fallen off of the beast. "Nothing," I panted heavily, trying to regain my composure. "I'm fine. There's... there's a..."
My quavering voice trailed off as I realized in horror what I had seen a few seconds earlier. What I thought was a piece of carnage from the epic battle of Baby Cat and the Largest Spider In The World was actually...
AN EGG SAC.
Before my eyes, hundreds and hundreds of baby spiders came pouring out of the dislodged egg sac and started to run over the carpet. I let out a wail unmatched in agony by any other human sound ever made and started to cry. "Bumbling mother danging cruxing ducksing rhombuses!" I sobbed, unable to even form coherent curse words anymore. "What-wh-what what am I- what-wh-WHAT AM I GOING TO DO!?!?"
"What's going on? What's happened?!" Boy said urgently. "Are you alright?"
The baby spiders were going everywhere. They ran up Baby Cat's tail. They were scattering before my eyes as I grabbed a bottle of hairspray and attempted to spray them to death. Meanwhile, Baby Cat had chased the Mother Beast under the entertainment system and was now desperately trying to fit his big butt under the system to continue pursuing it. The hairspray didn't appear to be killing the babies, but they were slowing down. I continued to sob as though my life were over.
"Babies! Babies everywhere!" I sobbed to Boy, who pieced together what was going on.
"Try the vacuum?" He suggested.
I made a mad dash for the utility closet and grabbed the vacuum. I plugged that sucker in and vacuumed up all those babies. "NOT TODAY, SPIDERS!" I bellowed, running the vacuum over them at least fifty times. "NOT ON MY WATCH!"
"Get 'em!" Boy urged. "You can do it!"
I grabbed Baby Cat and, much to his displeasure, ran the cat brush over his back legs and tail until I had pulled off some more babies and then I vacuumed THOSE up as well. Boy was a genius; the vacuum proved to be the absolute best weapon I could have hoped for to wage war on the hideous creatures, and after a few minutes, with the exception of the tarantula under the entertainment system, I felt confident that I had wiped out all the spiders.
Baby Cat continued to watch the entertainment system like a hawk and I let out a shaking sigh of relief as I collapsed on the couch again.
"I got 'em." I said weakly into the phone. "I did it."
"I'm proud of you." Boy said grandly.
Shortly after that we both decided to go to bed, but I laid awake for hours scratching my skin all over, sure that I could feel those tiny little spiders crawling all over my body. However, there was one burning emotion inside of me that was greater than even my fear of the ghost spiders--the knowledge that I had won, I had beaten the monsters, and that I had protected my household for one more night.
Washing my own dishes, doing my own laundry, and now killing my own spiders. Who knows? Maybe I'm almost a real adult after all.
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