I have a friend named Becca who is very sweet and I like her a lot. However, I have some sneaking suspicions that she actually isn't my friend at all but is secretly an assassin sent to kill me. You can call me paranoid all you like, but the evidence is clear! Crystal clear, I tell you!
It's a pretty well known fact that I am allergic to peppermint and spearmint and basically any plant in the mint family. The effects of mint on my body are devastating: if I eat it, my mouth will bleed. If it gets on my skin, I will break out in hives and swell. Becca knows this. In fact, some might say that Becca knows this a little too well.
Our first meeting was innocent enough. "Hi, do you want a piece of gum?" she offered sweetly. "Oh, I'm sorry," I replied, "I can't. I'm allergic."
"Wow, that's a really weird allergy!" She said with surprise as she pocketed the gum. The topic was dropped for the time being, but I know secretly she was sending a message on her communicator to whomever she reports: Damn. Almost had her, but she didn't fall for the bait. I'll try again tomorrow. Over and out.
Some time passed. Maybe a few days. I don't really remember. All I know is a couple of classes later, Becca sat down next to me again.
"I brought peppermint patties!" She exclaimed, acting all innocent like she always does when she's going in for the kill. "Don't you want one?"
"I can't," I repeated. "I'm allergic to mint, remember?"
"OH! That's right!" She laughed. "I'm so sorry!" She put away her mint patties and turned around. I knew she was once again messaging her boss: Plan B failed. We need a foolproof way to get her next time. Send me the updated attack strategies. I'll be waiting.
By now, I was becoming wary of Becca and her schemes to have me killed in the middle of my Japanese class. This same scene repeated over and over again. Sometimes with gum, sometimes with Tic-Tacs, and once with a box of Girl Scout cookies known as Thin Mints. That was when I fully realized the full extent of Becca's brutality--if she could stoop as low to take what could be considered America's staple sweet food from the hands of innocent little girls and use them as death traps against me, then she was a monster the likes of which I had never encountered before. I decided the time was ripe to start taking self defense classes so that if Becca cornered me in a dark alleyway brandishing lethal candy canes, I could fend her off and run for my life.
Eventually, the assassination attempts seem to stop, and I was lulled into a false sense of security. I allowed myself to get close to Becca. We watched Harry Potter and made up weird stories about a prostitute named Mary-san who hung out around Haagen-Daaz waiting for clients. Maybe, I begun to think, maybe I was wrong about her. Maybe I really was just being paranoid. Maybe it was safe to trust in others after all.
Those hopes were shattered one cold night when I was feeling particularly depressed. Becca picked me up from my apartment and we went to a mutual friend's house to talk about all the messed up things in our life and laugh away our problems with Harry Potter and Sporcle. For a while, everything was going great. All of us girls were chilling on the couch, talking and hanging out, when Becca got up to go to the kitchen.
"You know what would make you feel better?!" She exclaimed joyfully to me, walking over with a plate of cookies in her hand. "Peppermint bark!"
That was it. I knew she was out to get me. No human being could possibly forget I was allergic to mint after I had reminded them that many times. She was just waiting for me to get my guard down. Well, I wasn't going to be the fool any more! If she thought she could trick me by distracting me with Harry Potter, she was wrong. I have reflexes like a cat and eyes like an eagle. I see everything.
Thwarted again, she had no choice but to retreat and send what had to have been the most dejected failure message to the leader of her band of assasins yet: Plan W failed, onto plan X we go... eventually I will get her... mark my words.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I have a secret hope that she will get fired from the League of Assassins soon for being pretty much the worst murderer ever, having been on her own with me on multiple occasions but never actually managing to kill me, and then we can be real friends. I won't have to quickly run through all the self defense positions in my head when she talks to me, and she won't have to strain her mind thinking of all the possible ways she could get away with forcing me to eat mint. We'll finally be able to be ourselves and that will be a relief on everyone. Until then, however, I'm carrying a secret blade in my pocket and keeping a microphone on me in case she corners me alone one evening. I thought the day might be coming soon when we could put all this assassin nonsense behind us, but today in class...
"I can't wait until you're 21!" She gushed, leaning over the desk towards me, her eyes lit up in glee. "You just have to try this Mint Julep downtown!"
Nice try, Becca. Or should I say, mindless murdering machine! I'm onto you.
