Lord of the Flys
I sat next to a very nice girl and her guide-dog in training on the bus today. We chatted for a little bit about her Poodle, and I showed her my super-cool Great Dane that I have on Nintendogs. I could tell she was jealous that I only have to pick up virtual poop from my pooch. My bus route takes me all the way from Gilbert Hall back to East Campus Parking Deck, so I had about a 20 minute ride ahead of me. I stretched for a moment when the nice girl calmly pointed out a tiny embarrassing detail to me: "Your fly is undone."
"Thanks," I said, reaching to zip it up.
I fumbled around with the gap in my jeans for a moment, sure that I was just missing the zipper pull by a few millimeters, but after a few seconds of frenzied grabs, I tossed my books into the lap of my riding buddy and began to examine my situation a little more closely.
"Oh God," I breathed in horror. My riding buddy took a curious peek over at the situation and then gasped as well. There was no zipper there for me to pull.
My fly had not come unzipped. My fly had come UNSEWN.
"Oh man." My riding buddy said nervously as she glanced around to see if anyone was watching as I desperately began clawing at my exposed crotch. "Do you have any safety pins?"
"No," I moaned. "I don't even have a jacket."
"Uh..." My riding buddy thought for a moment, scanning the crowd. "Tape? Paper clips? Anything?"
"Nope." I said grimly. The bus was approaching my final stop. I had to think of a plan, and fast.
The bus stopped, and as I stood up, my situation worsened. My fly ripped all the way from the waist of my jeans down to the leg, leaving a massive hole exposing the entire front of my bright pink underwear. It was every middle schooler's nightmare come to life--I was standing in front of all of my college peers in my underwear. My bright pink underwear.
"Holy--" My riding buddy was mortified for me. "Quick, pull your shirt down over it."
It was no use. I couldn't hold my shirt down over my ripped fly and hold my books at the same time. And Riding Buddy couldn't hold my books and her dog at the same time. I had a few panicked moments of "what am I going to do whatamIgoingtodo WHATAMIGOINGTODO?!?!"
A ray of sun broke through the clouds above and gave me the perfect spotlight as the dramatic realization of what I must do washed over me. I must own this.
I straightened up. I tossed my hair. I held my head high and proud and I strutted all the way back to my car, pink panties a-blowin' in the breeze. People stared, and I just marched right on. That's right, SM Kuzy made sure the entire world knew that her give-a-damn was busted and she strutted her exposed ass all the way through the campus quad, up three flights of stairs, and through the labyrinth of the parking deck before she made it to the car.
I didn't really get to inspect the damage until I got home, but good Lord, it was bad. The pants are probably not salvageable, and there's now probably a million pictures of my crotch all over everyone's camera phones. When I become a famous author, this will probably come back to bite me in the (exposed) ass, but I do have one small victory to celebrate today. When the unspeakable happened, I carried on with as much dignity as I could keep from swooshing out between my legs. All in all, the lesson learned is that if you can't avoid your fate, you might as well stand up proud and own it for what it is. After all, it's the only way you can win.
I am reminded of a Harry Potter Quote from Book 6.
"It was, he thought, the difference between being dragged into the arena to face a battle to the death and walking into the arena with your head held high. Some people, perhaps, would say that there was little to choose between the two ways, but Dumbledore knew - and so do I, thought Harry, with a rush of fierce pride, and so did my parents - that there was all the difference in the world.”-JKR, HBP
My head and crotch are held high. Are yours?
