Cold Telephones: June 2011

People always ask me what my worst memory is. Well, my worst memory was brought about by my supposedly "loving" cousins and one exceedingly cruel uncle of mine when I was eleven years old visiting my grandmother in a little neighborhood in Huntsville, Alabama.

This story really doesn't need any more introduction than that.

SM Gets Trolled in Real Life by her "Loving Cousins"

It was a crisp fall afternoon. The leaves had fallen, and my grandfather had slaved away to make perfect leaf piles in the yard, so of course my cousins and I showed our gratitude to him by taking flying leaps into them, scattering the leaves everywhere. I was happily tossing handfuls of dried-out maple leaves into the air like confetti when I heard the one sound that every child goes absolutely insane for--the sweet, harmonious tinkle of the fabled Ice Cream Truck.

"ICE CREAM!!!!!" I bellowed, running around in circles like a maniac. My cousins stopped throwing leaves at each other and cocked their heads, listening intently. I proceeded to burst in through the back door of my grandparents' house and run through the kitchen screaming "THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS COMING! THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS COMING!" Like a modern day Paul Revere until my dad finally caught me and handed me a five and told me to "share with my cousins."

I was ecstatic. I could hardly contain myself. The ice cream truck was coming. I ran back outside to where my cousins had resumed throwing leaves at each other.

"Hey guys!" I panted, extending my hand to show them the wealth I had accumulated. "Daddy gave me some money. We can all get ice cream when the truck pulls up."

My cousins exchanged blank looks. "What are you talking about?" They asked.

I rolled my eyes. Boys could be so difficult sometimes. "The ice cream truck, duh," I said. "Did you already forget about it that quick?"

My cousins shared another look. "What ice cream truck?" They asked quizzically.

"The one that--" I began, but I stopped short at the sound of the faint music-box melody drifting over to my ears again. "That one! That ice cream truck! Don't you hear it? It's getting closer!"

My cousins shook their heads. "We don't hear it, SM." they said, looking at me with slight concern. "Are you sure you hear one?"

"Yes!" I said impatiently. "Now come on, we have to go meet it at the bottom of the street!" I grabbed one of my cousin's arms and attempted to pull him with me.

He grabbed me with his free arm and held me back. "Come ON!" I insisted, but he shook his head.

"SM, I don't think there's an ice cream truck!" He said worriedly. I looked at my other cousin. He looked grim.

"What is your problem?!" I asked, completely bewildered. The tinkling music was getting louder by the minute. "You hear it, I know you hear it!"

My cousins shared a concerned look. "SM, there isn't any music. We don't hear an ice cream truck." They said, looking very upset. "Maybe you're too hot. Do you want to go inside?"

"No, I do not want to go inside!" I said angrily, jerking my hand out of their grasp. I realized my cousins were trying to play some sort of trick on me to make me think that I was going crazy. This irritated me, so I threw out the biggest ultimatum any kid at that age could possibly muster: "If you want to keep playing this crazy game, then fine. I will spend all the money on myself and that means more ice cream for me."

Contrary to the immediate apologies and groveling I expected from my cousins, however, I was only met with an extremely worried look. I stood, bewildered, at my cousins' reactions. It wasn't like them to keep a joke going this long even under threat of no ice cream...

The music was so loud now that I was sure the ice cream truck would be at my grandparents' driveway in minutes. "Listen!" I said urgently, dragging my cousins over to the side yard. "I know you can hear that!"

"We've got to get her inside," One of my cousins said to the other in a scared voice. "She's really losing it. Do you think it's a heat stroke?"

"I don't know," The other one said darkly. "Maybe she's got a fever and is delirious. Get her, let's get her inside."

For the first time, a feeling of fear started to rise in my chest. The way my cousins were talking about me indicated that there was something seriously wrong with me. Could it be that they weren't merely playing a joke on me and there actually WAS a problem? While I was debating this possibility, I saw my uncle's car pull into the bottom of the driveway, and immediately behind him followed... THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.

"IT'S REAL!" I shrieked, dashing towards the bottom of the driveway, waving my five dollar bill madly in the air. "I TOLD YOU! I KNEW YOU WERE JOKING!"

My uncle had started to climb out of his car and looked extremely confused as to why his young niece was dashing at him at full speed.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY, UNCLE!" I cried joyfully. "YOU'RE IN FRONT OF THE ICE CREAM TRUCK!"

A look of serious concern and shock appeared on my uncle's face as he looked straight at me, and without even turning around asked "What ice cream truck?"

I fell to the ground. That was it. I lost it. I was insane. My cousins were right, I had hallucinated the entire thing. I burst into tears right then and there, and instantly my uncle dropped to my side with "Ohhhhh, SM, S-baby, I'm so so sorry sweetie! It was a joke! I know it's there! It's really there! I was just teasing you! Oh poor baby..."

Turns out, my cousins had taken advantage of my sprint to the ice cream truck to make frantic motions behind my back towards my uncle who correctly interpreted their desperate signs to continue the joke. He played along with them at the last minute, but unfortunately, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was hysterical.

My uncle managed to calm me down long enough to buy me some ice cream, but even as I sat in the shadowy living room in my grandparents' house, my cousins knew the damage went too far. I was scarred. I sat motionless on the beige couch, licking my Batman Ice Cream unenthusiastically, a blank stare on my face. My reality had been shattered. Sure, I had the ice cream in my hands, but who's to say that it was real? How could I ever know if anything was real anymore? How could I ever be sure I wasn't just living in a delirious fantasy?

My cousins tried to get me to play Duck Hunt with them, but not even electronically massacring farm fowl could cheer me up. I was a ruined child. For the rest of my life, I would never REALLY be sure of reality.

Maybe I'm not really typing this right now. Maybe I'm really an 11-year-old in a straightjacket, rocking back and forth in a secure, padded facility somewhere chanting "The ice cream is coming... the ice cream is coming..."

Maybe YOU'RE not really reading this right now?? Hmm??? HMMM???

Now that summer has rolled around, I've had wayyyy too much time on my hands. Since school is out for summer break, I'm out of a job, and thus I have relocated to a more affordable place. A place where I can afford to spend 8 hours of my day writing my novel instead of contributing to the work force. That place is my mother's house.

While I have been able to get a lot of work done on my novel, I have been extremely poor due to my lack of a real job lately and therefore have not had the opportunity to do many things besides sit around my mother's house and clean out of boredom in between writing sessions. So to break up the monotony today, I took my brother Jonathan and my sister Ne-lo to the mall today. I bought myself two awesome shirts; one is a Sonic the Hedgehog shirt and the other is a Gorillaz shirt. I feel like it is particularly important for me to proudly display my nerdiness with such shirts. It prevents false advertising.

So anyway, Jonathan, Ne-lo and I all had a rockin' time at the mall. But the real adventure today began when Ne-lo looked in the cabinet today and unearthed a glorious discovery...

A packet of cake mix!

So we decided to document the exact process of Ne-lo and SM making a cake. Now it is time to release this secret formula to the public. If you're prepared, read onward.

I present to you:

Ne-lo and SM Throw a Party.
(All pictures taken by Ne-lo, the expert picture-taker, unless otherwise stated. Click on a picture to enlarge it)
Warning, the following post is extremely picture heavy and EXTREMELY long. If you have anything planned in say, the next week or so, you should probably call and cancel it right now.

Step one: BE FABULOUS. This is probably the most important thing to keep in mind while you are baking a cake. If you ever have to wonder if you're being fabulous enough, you probably aren't.

Step 2: Crack eggs. You should always start a good cake by cracking the eggs.

Step 3: Measure out the butter! But remember, you can't just plop a stick of butter right into the cake mix. You have to soften it first. This step can be a little difficult but just remember, everything gets easier with practice.

Step 4 - Open the microwave...

Step 5: And place the butter inside...

Step 6 - and close the microwave! See? Simple as that! You've now microwaved butter!

Step 7 - Oh, you should probably start the microwave as well.

Step 8 - Locate your cake mix!

Step 9 - Stop for a random picture of the dog.

Step 10 - Measure out the water needed for the recipe.

Step 11 - Time to open the cake mix. Locate a pair of scissors and cut.

Step 12 - You may have to use a lot of force to successfully open the cake mix.

Step 13 - Hooray! You've done it!

Step 14 - Empty the cake mix into the bowl.

Step 15 - Discard of the plastic bag. This is a choking hazard for small children. You don't want that kind of blood on your hands while you're trying to enjoy your delicious cake.

Step 16 - Combine all ingredients!

Step 17 - Prepare to whisk!

Step 18 - Read the instructions.

Step 19 - It is okay if you have to use brute force to whisk the cake. You show that cake who's boss.

Step 21 - Eventually, you might realize that your whisking ability isn't quite as good as an actual mixer.

Step 22 - At this point, you may want to search for a mixer.

Step 23 - Continue searching. It'll be around somewhere.

Step 24 - Find one mixer head. Only one.

Step 25 - Find the other mixer head, but realize it doesn't fit. Spend several minutes trying to force it to fit.

Step 26 - Eventually find a matching set of mixer heads in the dishwasher. Retrieve them.

Step 27 - Mix that sucker! Mix it up good!

Step 28 - Blow the breaker in the kitchen. Become sad. Yell for someone to come and help you.

Step 29 - Watch as whoever came to your aid resets the entire breaker.

Step 30 - Continue waiting.

Step 31 - Time for another random picture of the dog.

Step 32 - Yay! It's back on! Continue mixing!

Step 33 - Be photobombed.

Step 34 - Remove the mixers. Their job has been completed.

Step 33 - Have you used enough Pam? You probably haven't. Use some more.

Step 35 - Pour the batter equally into the Pam'd pans.

Step 36 - Smooth out the batter so the surface is nice and even.

Step 37 - Ta-da! You're ready to put your cake in the oven!

Step 38 - Remember to place both pans in the oven.

Step 39 - Also, don't forget to close the oven door. That's a very important step.

Step 40 - Hooray! Your cake is in the oven! You've successfully completed the first half of a cake!

Step 41 - Now that you have put your cake in the oven, it's time for some fun. You may now eat the rest of the unused cake batter, but remember-- You work in the public education system and your career would be ruined in a heartbeat if any photos that were even slightly provocative showed up on the internet, so eat your batter wisely. Lots of teeth or funny faces are preferred. Have a ball.

Step 42 - Check your cakes. Are they brown and poofy? Time to do the toothpick check.

Step 43 - Look for the toothpicks. Surely they are around somewhere.

(Ne-lo found the toothpicks and snapped a picture of them while I continued to hunt for them)

Step 44 - Prick your cakes with the toothpick. Does the toothpick come out clean?

Step 45 - Bingo! Your cakes are baked!

Step 46 - Remove your cake from the oven.

Step 47 - Don't forget to be fabulous! Rock those oven mitts!

Step 47 - Go on, clap for yourself a little bit. You deserve it.

Step 48 - You are a professional. You are a winner. Remember that as you allow your cakes to cool for at least 30 minutes.

Step 49 - Make sure all of your decorating items are together.

Step 50 - Who put bacon bits next to my frosting?? Who did that?? Why are those there??

Step 51 - Remove the cakes from the pan. If you used enough Pam, this should not be an issue.

Step 52 - Unfortunately, you probably didn't use enough Pam. Try unsuccessfully for another 10 minutes to get the cake out of the pan.

Step 52 - Finally succeed in getting one layer out of the pan! There may have been a little tearing of the cake, but don't worry. This is easily fixed.

Step 53 - Simply take the cake and position it flat on a plate.

Step 54 - Scrape the torn layer of cake out of the pan...

Step 55 - And gingerly take it and lay it onto the bottom layer, making sure to line up the edges neatly.

Step 56 - Make sure you take extra care in piecing your cake back together.

Step 57 - Congratulations! You can't even tell anything went wrong! Wow!

Step 57 - Executive decision. Ice the bottom layer of the cake before trying to get the top layer out of the pan. This will act like a glue in case things don't go smoothly with the removal of the top layer.

Step 58 - Open the icing can. This is a job for teeth.

Step 59 - Ice that baby!

Step 63 - It is time to show the top layer who is boss. Taking a firm grip on the cake...

Step 64 - Wrench, and pull...

Step 65 - Keep a firm grip on the cake in your grasp...

Step 66 - And you've done it. You've dislodged that stubborn sucker.

Step 67 - Now it's time to assemble the cake.

Step 68 - See how professional that looks?

Step 69 - Take a step back and admire your cake in its raw form before you begin the next stage of icing.

Step 70 - Slather that icing on.

Step 71 - Be generous! Everyone loves icing!

Step 72 - Remember, more is more! Oh, and strike a fabulous pose, it's probably been too long since you were last fabulous.

Step 73 - Voila! You are a professional icer!

Step 74 - Set the table for your party. Ne-lo and I know that you can't throw a successful party without pickles, a salt shaker, and Canada Dry, so that's what we picked for our party scene.